...

(december 08)

Did you ever read those books as a kid where you can pick from a variety of endings? I've decided that's exactly how I'm going to end "my story" before moving on to my whole new
"important stuff only and anonymous, at that"
gig. As far as my personal life goes, you can just go ahead and select from the following:

1) the neuro calls today, tells me it's not "a mass" after all, come to find out it's one of those Brain Worms, and they flush cynaide in my ears till the worm escapes, boring a hole through my right temple and leaving me with a complete air hole that runs straight through my brain, in one temple and out the other, leaving me with the most perfect excuse ever as to why I will not listen to reason, seeing as how it literally goes in one ear and out the other.

2) the neuro calls today and says it's harmless, and prescribes me a good dose of steroids as I requested, which help me to steadily increase in energy, stamina, and strength over due time, and I grow lean and hard as a result, and find myself unwittingly attracted to female bodybuil

wait

3) I get the call today that all's well, no treatment is needed, just get by the best I can, so I slowly grow calm, normal, and mature, join a church, meet that tall man who doesn't know who Elvis is, and we move to the woods and have 20 children, one after the next, bam bam bam, and I die old, happy, and all stretchy and saggy but full of peace and joy,

or

4) they operate, take out the mass, and my shaved head never regrows the hair, and I accidentally sort of like it, and start making edgy videos like Sinead O'Connor, where I wear big boots and shout at the camera



I don't care how it all ends. What's my life anyway? What's your life? In the end, it's Jesus. It's all Jesus, man.

...

I just couldn't take it anymore. I can't deal with my flip-flop thing anymore. It's not that I don't like my flip-flops anymore. It's just that my feet are cold.

So my new boots are soft and tan and suede-looking, but they're not really suede because they were only $12.99. They're sort of Olive Oyl looking but it's ok. I would tuck my jeans in them like my kid and her friends do but I don't think I'm cool enough for that. Anyway how can I be cool when my socks say No Nonsense on them? Why do my socks say that? I didn't buy them. I guess they came from my mom's closet or something. It's a really good thing I'm still single at this point in time. There's just one too many things in my life right now to be embarrassed over, the socks being one of them.

In a little while I go get my mouth stitches out. Who knows what fiasco this will lead to? Will one of the ends of the strings be found to have grown into my gums? And they have to extract it slowly, not unlike a tapeworm extraction? Have you seen that? There's a video on youtube of someone slowly pulling a live tapeworm straight out of a hole in his stomach. It about made me want to toss my cookies. I'm hoping after today I'll be able to eat normal food again. I'm going to ask him to please patch up the holes in my mouth so I can eat. I got some bread today. Good old bread. Bread and me, we go way back. Me and my bread.

If I have to go any longer living on bread and protein powder I think I'm going to cry. Speaking of that, did I not give the fair warning that the mri dye makes me mean for a while? This is why, last night I went ahead and destroyed and trashed my microphone. To prevent me from taking my current tear any further. But no worries, I got a check for $25 from my grandmother yesterday. This weekend I will be putting it to good use on a new webcam. My hair is sort of cute right now so maybe I should take advantage of the situation.

Guess what else. I have to wait till NEXT week to hear from my neurologist on the latest reports. Has to do with his rotation schedule thing.

Guess what else. Today I woke up and thought about this for a while: I think I want to be a pastor's wife. For real. I think I would make a most excellent one. Think about it! I could speak out if I wanted but there'd really be no pressure to be consistent, seeing as how it would be HIS domain. Yes. I think I want to hide behind/stand beside a pastor/husband. Actually come to think of it I'm having a memory-

I haven't thought of this in a long time-

Did you listen to my ramble called the Sweaty Scary Man? The guy who claimed to be a mafia person? (http://alrightifigureditout.blogspot.com/2008/09/sweaty-scary-man-1.html) Well, when he was sitting there all drunk and rambling and slumped over, he looked at my face for a long time, then busted out with this: And I am not kidding:

He goes, "You have thin lips. I'm not sure I trust a woman with thin lips. But you also have a warm heart. You are going to end up with someone VERY SPECIAL. You are going to marry a VERY SPECIAL MAN."

And later that night after all was said and done, and I was happy to be home and him in jail, I laid there and pondered his words. Call me nutty but I sensed that he was really picking up on something. I sensed that he was really speaking a word to me. And someone else one time mentioned that I would

nevermind

So...

You found me here, in Worm Island? Are you on to me and my various m.o.'s? As you can see, I hide away here and

It's like this is where I sit and write on my little journal, tear out a page, stick it in a large conch shell and

I'm on a beach somewhere in the recesses of my mind. Where are you, in your head? I'm spending the weekend at my older sister's, to hang out with my little neice and nephew and take them on stroller walks, listen to my sister talk about her life, drink wine with my brother in law and listen to why I should appreciate football, etc etc

My betta is sulking for some unknown reason. The only thing different is that he has rocks in his tank from Glen Rose that I stole recently off a river bottom. I couldn't help it. They're shaped really nice, perfect for a fish to swim around. But I think I might have introduced some kind of foul bacteria into his life or something. He's not eating, not even his flakes. I cleaned his tank today and spent time with him but he's still acting weird. Maybe he's fasting.

That's all.

..

(october 08)

A few weeks ago when my brother-in-law was driving me home, my nephew asked from the back seat where we were going, and they started talking about the plans for the evening. My nephew got quiet and then said, "But Daddy, what are we going to do about Amy?" He meant, was I coming with them or not. But my brother-in-law responded, "Son- you have just asked the eternal question."

I don't know how to describe how I feel today. My hand is just halfway here. I can use it but I just can't feel everything. It feels light. And strange, when I make a fist. Very weird. I can feel it coming on again. It's coming. How long will it be with me this time? A week? 2 weeks? A month? I had a banana a few minutes ago and could hardly taste it. I can't sleep. The reason I can't sleep is because I want to sleep. So I'll have enough energy to walk around the fair all day tomorrow. So because I want to sleep, naturally this means I'll be up all night. I'm in a bad mood. Not so great for blogging but oh well. I have a chicken thing in the oven, one of the things that squirt hot juice at you when you try to cut into it. The breaded thing. My mom is spending another weekend at her boyfriend's house again. Actually, her fiancee. So the plan is, I'll have some help and be able to keep the apartment me & my mom have. I'm already on the lease. I didn't even know it. So I'll just be taking over. She's going to help me out financially until I can take it over all the way. She also said I'm more than welcome to go with her but she knows I'd never do that. But she told me yesterday her boyfriend said it would be no problem at all. I just can't do it. Unless of course I had to.

What's my life come to?

I'm enjoying little things more and more. I'm starting to feel like I did back in the day when I stayed home with Leah. I'm getting into more in-depth conversations with my nephews and enjoying playing with them more. I'm letting go. I'm accepting. I'm grasping the reality of what I'm facing: I don't think my life will ever be the same again. My issues with my body are not going away. New things are happening. I feel like I'm on a downward slope, but it has little hills on it. I'm going up and down, but on a slide. Do you know what I mean?

I had a good dream 2 nights ago. I saw a room inside a house, it was a room I had been searching for. It was like an atrium, the ceiling was one big sky light, and there was no carpet. Just dirt! Good dirt! And I got 4 corn plants and planted one in each corner. Then I took 2 large flat slabs of concrete and laid them down in the center of the room, to walk on. They didn't line up flush, you could see the broken edges. It looked like a broken road. I went outside to a garden and found some smooth river rocks, grabbed them, and brought them in, and scattered them on the dirt. I made my own special room. Just looking at it made me happy. The concrete slabs made me think of my own broken road that's led me to this point in time. I knew I was going to use this room to sit and think and pray. I think it represents finding my own home in my own head. Or something.

My spirit is being all freed up right now. I realize I can't be freed from this. So I decided to be freed through it. I'm going to allow this situation to free me. I'm going to unravel and untie myself on more and more levels until I am the happiest and most relaxed camper on Planet Earth. I'm going to continue to share and report my findings. Don't worry.

My betta made a bubble nest! This means he's wanting a mate. I feel bad. He's not getting one. I heard when they make a bubble nest they're happy with their home and wanting to start a family. I'm highly honored but I also heard they kill the female bettas. After they breed. And then they spend a long time guarding the eggs inside the bubble nest they made. The male makes it. I think that is so cute. If I were a fish I would totally live in his bubble nest. It's so cute, he made it right around the little live plant that's floating in the water. The bubbles stick together, all in a cluster.

So tomorrow I'll either be on Stroller Duty or Wheelchair Duty. Troy's grampaw is coming too. I haven't been to the fair since '03. I went with my coworker, we were bookkeepers at a craft store (the one on Lovers & Mockingbird right next to a liquor store, we had bums sleeping in the bushes! Seriously! Right out front.) and that's the last time I ever got on a ride. I was on a spinning thing and it made me throw up. Rides never used to make me throw up. I guess it's a sign of old age.

I rode with Troy & the boys up to Val's office today to pick her up and she wasn't done yet, so we all went in and hung out while she finished. She was the only one there so I played ball with my nephews in the hallway. The older nephew has absolutely perfect aim. I went exploring and found what appeared to be a conference room. There was a large table in the middle surrounded by important looking high-backed chairs and a Star Wars-looking module contraption in the middle of the table with buttons on it. I read it and it's an conference call thing. I looked around and was so thankful I don't have to spend time in that room. However there was one thing that did please my eyes: a very large dry-erase board. There was some writing on it. I left my mark. I drew my man with the large nose and hairy chin. My sister's office overlooks the highway, I just sat there and watched traffic go by. I said it was the Traffic Aquarium, then Troy said no, it's the Rat Aquarium, for all the rat race people. It's so sad. We're all trapped. I looked down and saw all those people in those cars and wondered how many of them really wanted to be in that car, on a highway. It's all we know! But I suspect if the men got a taste of riding a horse each day and the women got a taste of stirring a big black kettle over a big warm hearth in a cabin somewhere, things would be different. If we could only see and taste what we're missing. I bet we'd all revolt.

..


well here I am with a fresh box of cookies, thinking hard about everything and where I'm headed from here. Wait let me back up. For starters, I have had the best 4 days EVER. My daughter had her tonsils out and recuperated here, with me. I told her to get them out more often. We had an utter blast. Movies, Starbucks, long walks, long talks, etc etc. I started to tear up when her dad called to say he was on his way to come get her. At least I have my fish. And my cookies. It's days like this where a good addiction would come in handy but I don't have any anymore. Speaking of addictions, don't you for one second say I'm judgemental when I talk about how wrong it is to get all into lustful things. I am the first to admit the reason for that: I used to be a total sex fiend. I'm pretty sure this snowballed and landed me right where I am today. Don't you see? It's a personal battle that I choose to fight publicly. I speak out against things that have personally held me down and messed up my life. There's feelings involved. Not self-righteousness. If you could only see the invisible yet very real mountain I have had to climb to get to where I am today. No I don't mean where I'm at physically. I mean, mentally and emotionally. I had to overcome so much. So when I say, enough of the lustful images! What I'm saying is, SAVE IT ALL FOR THE ONE YOU LOVE! And don't let it fill your voids. And when I say, GET RID OF THE DEMONIC IMAGES! What I'm saying is, I've been fighting demons since my teen years and I really don't like seeing them posted all over the place, just for fun, by people who have no idea what it is to really be caught in a struggle with them. At least on a conscious level. Do you hear what I'm saying? Everything I talk about comes from my heart cause it's affected me personally.

I saw Dr. C yesterday. Come to find out, I think I like him better than Dr. B. WAY better. He spent a long time with me and really investigated and asked questions that I didn't even think about. He's hot on my trail. He thinks we're back to the ms thing. Did I tell you about my tongue thing? The stabbing pain I had in it? And how food doesn't taste as strong anymore? I mean, flavors. I have to use a whole lot of seasoning to taste it. And guess what. I had no idea, but the bottom of my feet are numb. I didn't know until he rolled a metal thing up and down each one. He also looked into my eyes for a long time with a light and kept going back to my right eye. He had me walk around. He did this thing with my hands to test the strength in them, and my right hand is useless. So he ordered another go-round in the MRI machine, full-body, top to bottom, he said they're not going to leave any stone unturned this time. He said, "don't get scared, but there's a chance we may see another spot in your brain, and if that's the case, you have ms." I told him I'm not scared, I'll be relieved and happy. I'll get on meds and get on with my life, for once and for all. He said they're also taking a good look at my neck. I'm going to be all fixed up. I also told him I'd slip him cash under the table not to order me another lumbar puncture. He said if I need another one they'll knock me out for it.

I'm going to the fair this weekend with my sister & her family. I'm on Stroller Duty. I can't wait. Also, my mom asked to see the video I made of her and her boyfriend. So I made her a page and put it on there, hoping it will deter her from seeing all my videos. I don't care if she sees them, but what I do care about is if her boyfriend sees them. I don't care if he sees them, but if he sees them, then his family will see them! My future step-siblings! There's 3 of them! A daughter and two sons! All around my age, with wholesome families and everything! Normal! And Baptist! What am I going to do? What if they see all the videos I did? On top of my normal everyday reality, that I'm teetering on the verge of becoming the Adult Vegetable Child? Now this! They are going to see what a freak I am! No wait, I'm not a freak, but to normal people like that, I could be viewed that way. Help.

My plumbing has ceased entirely. Unless I take a laxative. Sorry if that's gross but that's the price you pay. Also sometimes I don't recognize a word at first glance, I'll sound it out and wonder what it is, then it hits me, and I feel stupid. I am getting more stupid on some levels, yet more genius in so many other ways. How many contrasts can one human have? Do you even get me?

I've been doing this new thing lately at night: driving over to these apartments I used to live at, just a few miles down the road, parking the car and then walking up and down the streets in a nearby neighborhood. It's where me & Leah used to walk when we lived there. It's right by one of her old schools. We used to walk and talk, and go to the playground at the school and sit on the swings for a while. So I've been doing this by myself lately. Except for the playground. I just walk. It feels so good. I just can't take it anymore. Being cooped up. I go slow but that's why walking at night is so wonderful. Nobody can see you. You can even go barefoot. You can wear your pajamas.

I scared myself. With the videos. It's the strangest thing: each time I have a video page up and open, more dreams come. Then, I lock myself out, and they stop. It's like that singing frog cartoon that

wait

I'm taking a break. Don't mind me.