...

(may 08)

See? What did I tell you? I can't do ANYTHING without SOMETHING happening. All I wanted was some cookies so I just went up to Wal-Mart and as I was walking up to the entrance a man was standing there all shifty-like and staring at me and saying things real low under his breath, I didn't look at him and just kept walking, then he walked right up to me and said MMMM LOOKIN GOOD. I stopped in my tracks and turned and faced him and this is exactly how I am going to get into some kind of trouble someday. I couldn't resist. I stood there and said, WHAT DID YOU SAY? He said, I SAID, YOU ARE LOOKIN GOOD. I said, so what are you out here doing tonight? Standing around and making women uncomfortable? He looked at me and got all quiet and then I turned and went inside. I looked back over my shoulder and he was watching me. Which ruined everything. I wanted to have a cookie night. I'm still having it but it's not the same. I'm mad.

I think my mouth is going to get me into trouble one day. But I can't help it. Idiots like that shouldn't be able to get away with that kind of thing. It's not fair and it's not right. You can't win. Even if you ignore them they still harass you. I was at a red light a few years ago and this guy in a convertible to my right was trying to get my attention, he kept going, HEY, over and over, louder and louder, and i kept ignoring him, looking straight ahead. It's the principle of the thing. I'm not going to look over at a guy at their beck and call simply cause they want me to. They just want to see your whole face cause they're bored. I kept looking ahead and he started yelling and cussing at me, he said, YOU GD FU**ing bitch you HAVE NO RIGHT TO IGNORE ME and then the light turned green and he drove off all smokey and loud. Whatever. The truth is, he had no right to harass me. I could tell what kind of guy he was anyway just by the car and the way he was sitting, from the corner of my eye. Dark glasses and a white button up shirt. Not unlike Steve Dallas from Bloom County. Which is my favorite comic. I used to have all the books and would read them start to finish, in order. Like a novel. It really is a long story actually and sometimes it's pretty deep. I used to have a crush on Cutter John and fantasize about being his hippie artist girlfriend with the flower in her hair.



You know what? Something's going on in me. Something's off. I'm all stirred up and feel like I'm going to cave inward unless I explode outward. I am feeling more and more stifled. Also I'm realizing the fact that I really am more of an outcast than what I originally thought. I really do not fit in anywhere or with anyone on this planet. You could even put me with the strangest man on earth and I'd probably still be a misfit to him.



I had a dream last night that made me feel happy but the more I think about it the sadder I realize it really is. I dreamed I met this guy, a whole new guy, he wasn't that attractive to me, in fact he was way too tall and he seemed older than me and I could tell that he was boring, but we started talking, and he leaned in and told me that he had no idea who Elvis was. We were at a restaurant in the dream and a song came on by Elvis and the guy had never heard it. He told me this with a smile on his face and it made me feel so warm, I leaned in and took his arm and I'm not sure but I think I started to fall for him. I woke up feeling all loving. And all day long I've thought about it, why did the fact that he didn't know who Elvis was melt me so much? It's because: he was more out of touch with the real world than me, and it was on purpose. I felt like I finally met someone who saw the world like me. He was an outsider. And come to think of it, I have never met anyone who avoids things the way I do. I never thought to even look into it but I think I might. I mean, look and see if there are whole groups of avoidant people? To me, it goes beyond my faith. It goes beyond avoiding things that might pollute my head. You know what? Even if I were an atheist- I would probably still be against all the filth and crap that the media tries to sell us. Everything. The homes. The cars. The shopping malls, restaurants, fancy vacations, movies, music, all of it! I'm against it because it's all so much a lie. We are sheep and we fuel this grotesque beast that feeds off of us. We're all caught in a vicious cycle and there's no way out. I can't get out of it, even though I'm against it. I need to eat. I need to work and drive and get clothes, therefore I have to go along with it all. But I hate it. I want everything to go away that's unnecessary. Who thinks like this? Is anyone else against it all? How come we all say we are, but we're still watching crap like American Idol and going to Disneyland? What's wrong with us all? Why do we spend all this money on nice homes and luxury cars? I see women driving these beasts on wheels and all I can think is, SUCKER.

So about my older man who didn't know who Elvis was. Do people like this really exist? Not Amish people, either. And not religious fanatics in cults. I mean, normal people who just simply remove themselves from all the trash and

wait



I'm thinking I need to move to the country somewhere. Cause I am not going to conform or change. In fact I hope to grow even stronger in my convictions. Where's the real music? How come I never hear real drums and flutes and real singing voices? Aren't people supposed to be humming and whistling or something? Whatever happened to that? Why do we go to the radio? You know what I love? When people who have good singing voices bust out and sing just out of the blue. I've had the pleasure of working alongside a few folks who are talented like that. Yes. I think I might find my people in a more rural setting. There's some areas north of here that are absolutely beautiful and the funny thing is- it's all around the same area God showed me back in 2000! Too bad if you don't know what I'm talking about! Also! the other location to my store (where I might go next) is right off of the SAME ROAD I was on when He showed me! Bethany Road! Puzzle pieces are coming together! But then again what am I supposed to do? I can't even make one paycheck last. I'm having trouble getting back into that. I give rent to my mom and cut a check to the ex and another one to my kid and that's pretty much it. I have a bit left over but not much. It's gone in a flash. I really need to get a grip. I still don't know what I'm doing. At least I got a job.





I think I am feeling the need to belong. More and more. I need to know where I belong. Not just fit, but really, REALLY belong. I need to know that there is a place for me in this world.

...


This is so strange. I just realized something. Earlier today I was joking about donating my head to Goodwill, seeing as how I give everything else to them, and then this evening I actually contacted the folks at UTSW in regards to officially donating my brain. I really am going to do it! And for some strange reason I think it's the right thing to do! And not only that, but I think I dreamed about this last year! I had a dream about being deeply involved with a research team there. That's why I got so spooked with the neuropsych guy, I thought they were going to make me their guinea pig, that's why I didn't go along with anything. It has to be on my terms. So now that I know I'm all better and no longer under their whatever it is, I can decide for myself. And today I decided I am going to give them my brain. But the funny thing is, in the dream, I was aware of being researched, so I was alive. Which means I might actually end up participating in something. Which means, I could very well end up as their guinea pig anyway. Wait. Maybe I shouldn't have turned myself in.

About turning myself in. Tonight after a hefty Whataburger, my conscience kicked in and I drove past the dumpster pretending to toss in my trash but really needing to fish out the letter jacket. You gotta work quick when you need something out of a dumpster just in case someone is watching.

So I got out the smelly jacket and called the ex to see who's it was and he sounded as if he had a mild stroke when I told him what I had done, lo and behold, it belongs to his dad, it's his "prized possession" track all star super duper jacket. My question to him was, and just why is this in my care? He said he had no idea, that his dad gave it to Leah, when really my ex had coveted it all thru the years, but no, his dad went over his head and gave it straight to my kid. And then it hit me. It was HER who came to me and asked me to store it!! I can't believe I almost got rid of it! It's all wrapped back up now like nothing ever happened.

I'm excited about the brain thing. It's taking getting rid of things to a whole new level. Is it controlling to not give your whole body? cause I see that as mine. But my head, that's always been out of my own hands anyway. I see it as community property. Well ok that last sentence is a lie but I'm working on it. Actually I'm realizing how backwards this whole paragraph really is but I shouldn't go into details. But this really makes me question some things. I am beginning to suspect myself. I think that I would probably make a brilliant lawyer. If I were more ambitious in the real world that is. See! I just did it again! Am I misrepresenting myself on purpose? There it goes again! Questions I already know the answer to! And look! That right there! Confessing all the time! Look at me! I can't stop! There it goes again! cause I can stop! I just don't want to! I would rather mess with your head! It's only fair. Like it's fair for you to get herpes if you are carelss with yourself and sleep around. It's the same thing. If you get yourself tangled up in the blogs of mentally complex people then you are most likely going to get confused yourself. Wait! another thing! I preach! Help me! Wait look! Asking for help! That's false humility right there! What is going on? wait! Have I been reading too many things lately on bettering your personality? I'm watching my every move! Well somebody has to! Look! Accusation and blame in the form of sarcasm! Another bad habit of mine. What will become of me? Am I doomed?





Something tells me that I've started something by doing this. (donating the brain.) Not sure what. Could be good. Could be bad. Could be good/bad. All I know is I got my whoopy feeling. Shakey/tingly. But you wouldn't understand.

Speaking of whoopy. Today at the thrift store I saw a t-shirt that said "I had my birthday party at Mr. Wiggly's!" There was a clown on the front. I almost bought it. But I'd only wear it once then get tired of it. There goes the feeling again. What did I just do? What pickle am I getting into now?



what else can you donate? Maybe I should do the whole body thing. But I just don't think my body would be very interesting to them.

I've been trying to think outside the box lately. Expand my horizons. I can't seem to get very far. Am I supposed to be doing more with my life right now? Oh! Did you hear about the new super-internet thing they're working on called the grid? It's supposed to make this one obsolete. Thank goodness. Then I will have a valid excuse not to participate anymore. I can say Sorry I can't seem to afford the grid at this time in my life. I wonder what it will look like. I want off this planet so very badly.



I miss my hair. I can't believe I chopped it off. I am NEVER CUTTING IT AGAIN. I don't even mind it short as long as I can put it up in a ponytail but I can't even do that yet! Why did I do that? I look like a middle-aged schoolteacher. People are mistaking me for normal left and right. this is awful. With my long hair I can do so much. I can sweep it up off my neck and feel pretty. I can wear it down and play like I'm pretty but really not, it's just that long hair makes you feel that way. I can let it grow out wild again and look like Janis Joplin. I can straighten it like my daughter showed me and look somewhat classy. The options are endless. But as it stands currently all I can do is stick a few bobby pins in and gel up the back and look super dorky. Is that what I intended to do? Does my inner wise woman know something I don't? Is all this fretting over my appearance cause I'm approaching 40? do you know that I will be 39 this year? I can't mentally digest this. There has to be some kind of mistake. I don't feel it. I feel better than I did in my 20's. Exept not upstairs. In my head I feel 60. The rest of me feels 19. I would say 18 but that was one of the shittiest years of my life.

Why are you reading this? Should I keep writing? Or stop? Not on this blog. I mean in life in general.



I just found out that the grid is not a thing but a whole new concept. And computers won't be used at all? Or something? How can that be? I remember when I asked my brother in law where the internet was. He got that look on his face and looked at me and said, "Amy. Don't ask that question."

You know what is really sad? That my senior-citizen father was the one who showed me how to use the internet. It was sometime in '99 I think. He showed me how to use it and I thought that the yahoo directory was the whole internet. Cause he didn't say "this is my homepage". No. All he did was say, and look! You can look things up by these categories here! So I never looked beyond that for about a year. Then one day my little sister was over and I saw her go to Google and that started a whole new thing. I think it's sad that my dad had to show it to me. And he was the one who got me a computer in '03. And then tried to give me another one when he heard I got rid of it in '06. (he thought the other one broke.) Then my mom getting this laptop. Is this a conspiracy? Why do my parents go to great lengths to keep me in the here and now? What's wrong with being a purist? The only person who recognized that in me was my dead step-grandfather. He told me I was a purist. I didn't know what it meant at the time but it sounded nice. I was in my early 20's when he said it. I loved him more for that cause he said it with a smile. He's the one I accidentally walked in on while he was doing his feeding tube thing and he yelled at me. I couldn't help but stare. He had his pants down and was spooning this substance right into his stomach. It was fascinating.

...

(something I wrote to the one who it was written for, a voice from the future. And the one to whom it was written was unknown to me... It was part of a story, a story that came to me deep in the night, and shown to me in pieces. I have yet to share all my secrets about that story. I probably won't.)



*A fire was lit*

to draw you(them) near
Flame has erupted
so that you(they) would hear

I came to love
I came to serve
I came to test your(their) very last nerve

Many years have passed
since our first meeting
A decade perhaps?
I leave you this greeting

not a goodbye, not a farewell
But a hello, to a new tale to tell

Long ago we met
we loved, we collided
we lived and we laughed, with you I abided

In you, I found my destiny

But now I must go

The fire has been lit
And will never die out
It burns in your spirit
never should you doubt

I trust you to tend the garden that we sowed
I trust that your seed will find his own road*
I trust that this is all meant to be
Oh my soul, give him(them) eyes to see


~*~



Four years I was given
To speak loud and clear
Four years did I have
To make my voice known.

From two thousand and four
To two thousand and eight
Not one day too soon,
Not one day too late.

I prayed today
For a new way to share
That the ears of my friends
Will now be

My hi-tek m.o.

To report what I see.


I came out in the open
For you to see
What the Living God
Has done with me.

My tears they flow
As this door now closes

I bled my insides
With no admiration, no roses

To please not men
But the One True God
A pleasure, a relief~



~*~


Several months ago I had this vision: A woman, she stood on the beach, facing the still and calm ocean, I did not see her face, but she wore a sarong, tied low upon her hip, long hair flowed gently in the breeze, and in her hand was a book of matches, a tropical scene on the cover, she slowly opened the matchbook and took one match, just one, struck it hard, and in her hand, standing on the edge of the world, facing the ocean, held one lit match, a small fire. There was tension in the air, there was purpose and intent.
A fire was lit.




*I can hear the faint sound of drums, somewhere off in the distance...