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(march 09)


Are you stuck?

I was. I hope I'm not still but you never really know. My pan-out camera keeps backing up and showing me the bigger picture on things, so I constantly have to say, oh, now I get it...
Several months ago I was quite depressed. During that time I had this vision:
I saw a pig, sleeping in a cage.
I had no idea what the meaning was, so I asked God to bless that pig and help it. I knew it represented someone, but not knowing who, I asked that God wake the pig up, so at the very least it would know it was in a cage. I guess I could have asked that God set the pig free, but instead, I saw a greater need in the pig: it had no clue that it was imprisoned. I figured that should come first.
A couple of weeks passed, and I had another vision~ I saw the same cage, the same sleeping pig, but get this! The pig was no longer little, it had grown big and fat. It was still sound asleep, with a smile. It was lazy sleep. I saw that the bars of the cage were bent and broken... the pig was no longer caged, but it had no idea. It was still asleep, inside the cage. The size of the pig had broken the confines of the cage, but the pig was still inside. Know what I'm saying? Like it busted the cage but still couldn't move.
This was a frustrating and disturbing thing for me to see. It was hitting close to home. I prayed about it, and I understood in my spirit, the pig was me. I had outgrown my situation but had no idea. Somewhere along the way I gave up the fight, and fell asleep in some ways. It was easier that way. I'm talking about what I've been dealing with these past 2 years, the health thing.
But God was showing me that I have grown fat in the ways I was lean- and that's a good thing! I have been strengthened in so many ways through this. But my prayers to "be set free" were frustrating, I couldn't understand why God didn't just fling my apartment door wide open, present me with a job and a car and yes... Prince Suitable. I was thinking my freedom meant being handed everything back, and on a silver platter.
But as I prayed about this vision, God said, "Go- before you are slaughtered."
Are you following me? I'm sharing this to maybe encourage someone else out there, who's feeling trapped, stuck, imprisoned in a certain situation. I'm sharing what I just learned: that God wants us to use our strength, our minds, our energy, our prayers, our guts, our determination, our imagination, our passion... to find our way out. He doesn't just reach down and turn some unseen key and say, shoo! We can't sit like a caged animal waiting for release.
I was a pig in a cage who, over time and through much soul-searching and rest, grew big and fat and healthy. Freedom didn't come on my terms, so I fell asleep, I gave up. I grew lethargic and lazy. Little did I know, I was free already, my growth is what broke down the walls. And there I was, sound asleep and happy as a clam. How long would I have remained in that broken cage, if I had not been shown the truth by my Maker?
Know what happens to fat pigs? They get slaughtered.
In my metaphorical dream world, to be slaughtered is to be attacked spiritually: depression, fear, isolation, anxiety...
I plum got up and went.
Thank You God.

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Yesterday a guy I work with said, Why do you keep saying "thank you" when you talk? I said, I didn't say thank you. He said, you keep saying it in sign language when you're talking. I was like, what? And he said this motion I make when I'm trying to get a point across means thank you in sign language. People have always laughed at how much I talk with my hands, one store manager said he enjoyed watching me when I talked to customers about internal cleansing and fibers and such, he said whenver I said the word "digestion" I made a strange motion with my hands, it was as if I was pulling on an invisible string or something. He said, Amy, usually one can see the connection in words and how one talks with their hands, but sometimes the motions you make with your hands have nothing to do with the words you are saying. Tell me, what does this mean? And he did the thing I did whenever I said digestion. I just stared at him and laughed. I had no clue. I didn't even know I was doing that thing with my hands to begin with.
So anyway, the guy yesterday said, why do you talk with your hands? I said that it was always a habit, but it really increased after the brain infection, when I had trouble getting things out. I'd have a thought in my head, and the words were there, but just not at the same time. I'd start a sentence but the last half couldn't find it's way out. That's when I started doing the "thank you" motion. I just started putting my hand up to my mouth and making a movement like to help the words come out, that's all it was, and I didn't even realize I was constantly doing it. I don't have any trouble getting my words out now, but I still do the hand thing without knowing it. According to this guy, I'm saying thank you, over and over again, as I talk.
He laughed at me, I changed the subject, but deep down I knew, my own sign language is yet another sign for me.

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My Betta, Sophie, has gotten bored with his flakes, so I thought he'd like to experiment with some live food. Rather than going to the pet store, I started looking under the rocks in my corn plant, and lo and behold, the potting soil is filled with little white centipedes! They're worms with tiny legs. I scooped one up on a leaf and dropped it in, and Sophie gobbled it up in one bite. So now each morning when my tea is brewing I take a minute and find a worm. My horizons are expanding.
I had a dream that I was severing the head off a cat, but not all the way, and I had to do it. I knew it was hurting the cat, but I knew it had bone problems, and this was the only way to get the bones strong again- to force new growth. Also I knew, as I was cutting the kittie's neck, not to go all the way down with the knife. Just go to the center. I woke up knowing this is what I've done with myself. If you have no idea what I'm talking about...
But back to live food for the fish. I'm bothered by the fact that I could have been giving him live, fresh food all along. How long have these little worms been in my plant? This makes me wonder, what else am I overlooking? What are you overlooking? This is ridiculous. In my opinion, by the time we're smart enough to function intelligently on this planet, we're dead.

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I have this thing with appliances: I break them. Unintentionally, of course. Things just happen. I don't know how or why, but all I know is, I would be lost without the maintenance men.
Take for example what happened yesterday: when I was getting ready for work, I noticed a slight drip coming from my bathroom sink, underneath. So I put a bowl under it and went to work. It was just a tiny drip. I was going to call the apartments but I forgot. So when I got home last night, I walk in, and all of my belongings are in the entry and the living room, including my nice new curio cabinet! Everything I own is moved out of my room. I open my bedroom door and lo and behold, it's empty, except for the bed, which I don't even use. ( I sleep on the floor on a cushion thing.) As it turns out, after I left for work, the pipes busted, flooded my bathroom and my bedroom, and made it's way down to the apartment below, and they called the apartment office, who sent the maintenance men up here, and they had to tear up the carpet, remove the foam padding, etc etc.
I woke up with a headache. I think it's from sleeping in there on damp carpet. I can't use the bed in there because all of my stuff is in bags and boxes on the bed. Isn't that funny? All of my things were already up off the floor, I packed everything up to move a few weeks ago, so none of my things got wet. There wasn't even anything under the sink.
So I'm thinking the maintenance guys must think I saw the water bust, got all my things off the floor, then casually left, like nothing happened.
I also melted a glass onto the stove at my sister's by turning on the wrong burner recently. And before that, I almost made her house blow up by turning on the water while they were doing a leak test, when the problem turned out to be the gas heater thing. It's a long story. They told me over and over again, DON'T TURN ON THE WATER, and of course I went in the bathroom and brushed my teeth. And I only did that because one of the leak test guys turned out to be someone who used to come in my old work, he managed a fast food place right next to my store, and he'd come in and I'd talk to him about vitamins. Small world!
One time I touched a computer and it blew a fuse or something, all I know is, I went up to it, hit enter, and it went black, and the ceiling tile directly above it fell out and onto the computer. I had to call the store owner. He asked how I broke his computer. I said all I did was touch it.
I have this thing with machines, appliances,etc etc. It's like an unspoken battle is going on between us. They are trying to do me in, make me look stupid. I am trying to show them that I, as a human being, have no need for them. Well, I do need them, but I don't respect them. I am superior, and they know my thoughts.
I will leave you with this fantastic blog on this fine day. You can thank me later.




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So I come home today and as I'm walking up to my apartment I see this industrial mess all around, and the apartment below me is all open and the maintenance men are hard at work. It would appear that they are replacing part of the ceiling. I think I might have something to do with this.
This reminds me of the time I was working at a vitamin store, it was back to back to a sports equipment place and a 7-11. One day the sports store owner walked over and said, Do you think you can stop flushing your toilet until they get the plumbing fixed? Each time you flush, your sewage floods OUR bathroom. I laughed. I had no idea there was even a problem with the plumbing, even though 7-11 got backed up all the time and caused issues for us. I called my store's owner and told him what was going on and he laughed too. Our bathroom remained dry. It just all went and messed up somebody else's life.
I wonder if blogging is sort of like that? Do you know what I'm saying?
So now my things are piled up in the living room. They're going to replace the carpet in here in a few days. I'm glad this happened because it seems like I've already moved. My room is no longer my little cave anymore. I remember the day we moved in here 2 years ago. I was still messed up with the brain infection and still sort of dim witted from the seizure medication. I still could barely go up stairs without getting out of breath. Moving day wiped me out, and the first thing I did when we came in was go in this room, find the closet, go in, shut the door, and lay down. Right there on the floor. I had to. My head couldn't stay awake. The mover guys were all over the place and I hoped they wouldn't come in here, but one did. He opened the closet door and there I was, asleep on the floor. He stood there with a puzzled look on his face. I was embarrassed but too tired to think too much about it.
So I guess you could say, I woke up in this place. This bedroom is where I woke back up to my life. I'm going to miss it. Or maybe not.

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Today I wasn't feeling so good, so instead of curling up with my blankie and taking a nap, I left for work way early and got me some new things, one of them being a new cute jacket, so I can finally toss the old nasty denim thing I've been wearing. I couldn't even wait to toss it in the dumpster. Instead, it got littered on a dark street on the way home. Right out my car window. It felt good. It landed on the corner so maybe some hapless, cold person will find it and like it.
I'm at war with myself again. I want to take off. I want to go away. Far, far away. What am I doing looking for an apartment nearby? Why am I conforming to a normal life? Why do I put these restraints on myself? My daughter is leaving for college this summer. She's heading south. Why shouldn't I? Maybe I can find me a little hole-in-the-wall dumpy apartment or rent house in some obscure town and spend my days off sitting at a lake somewhere, painting. I feel like I'm on the verge of breaking again, but in a good way.
Tonight the man with the puffy beard came back in. He said they have snakes where he's from, they come in the house. He said cobras come in sometimes. Can you imagine that? Instead of roaches or mice, you have cobras sneaking in? He said when they come in, you don't move. There's a way to deal with them but it's not by freaking out. The conversation began to creep me out so I excused myself.
Well here I am, back to blogging about nothing. Just like I said I wasn't going to do. Well I have a good excuse, my days of having an internet connection are numbered, thank goodness. I'm sitting here in my room, looking at my belongings piled up on my bed. Everything's packed. Where am I going? Does anybody know? Something tells me I won't end up where I plan on ending up. My spirit is pulling me in an entirely different direction than my brain is trying to go in.

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I had a conversation with someone recently, he's not a believer, which to me is a non-issue, I never considered it my business to discuss faith with him or debate with him or try to get him to see things the way I see them. Why? Cause I'm related to him. I love him. I enjoy his company and his conversation. We can talk for hours and laugh. That is until the topic of "religion" comes up.
He's pretty hostile about it. I shy away from discussing it, not out of fear, but to keep my own lid on. I think that if my own can of worms gets opened around him, it's sure to escalate. For now, I just prefer to lay low. I like to listen to his point of view on things, and it's educational for me to hear his opinions on why God simply cannot exist. Even though I disagree (and know he's wrong), still, I listen intently and try to see where he's coming from. I respect him and I show it. (no, I'm not talking about my father.)
He, however, has yet to master the art of giving the same in return to me. It's ok.
So in dealing with him, I've gotten a better perspective of where atheists are coming from. I understand. I also know that from a sensible human standpoint, the atheist point of view makes perfect sense. But I also have come to realize, they simply have yet to experience the spiritual.
This is something I brought up with my relative. He's really knowledgable in financial things, investing, the stock market, etc etc. This is a bermuda triangle area in my life. I have very little interest, knowledge, and understanding when it comes to finances. To me, it's as basic as this: go to work. Earn paycheck. Deposit in bank. Spend some. Save some. Period.
I suppose this is why I am nearing 40 years old and still have the mindset of a teenager when it comes to money. I'm smart enough to realize, it's due to my own ignorance. I pointed this out to my relative. I said, I have a feeling that if someone would have taken me by the hand and walked me through the ins and outs of money and investing and what-not, and taught me how to be successful with it, and maybe even enjoy it, and let me experience first-hand the rewards of making a profit- maybe then I would embrace it and want to learn more. But as it stands, I'm an outsider in that realm. I'm inept, I've tried and failed to get ahead financially. So I gave up, and I get by on the bare minimum.
He just stared at me and wondered why I was saying this.
I told him, I have a feeling this is how you are when it comes to believing in God. You simply haven't experienced the spiritual, or witnessed any miracles first-hand. You don't know Him. Your sensible mind can't fit Him into your own understanding, so you dismiss the whole thing.
I honestly feel that this is what's going on, big-picture, with atheists. They don't get it, so they throw the baby out with the bathwater- to hell with it all, it makes no sense!
After we had this conversation, the ridiculing tones from him ceased. But it really got me to thinking about it. Why are atheists so quick to mock and ridicule us? Does it make them feel superior? Do they think it actually helps their case?
I just want to let it be known that it's hurtful, and unnecessary. There's a way to debate and conversate without putting the other person down. If you really want someone to hear you out, watch your tone and treat them with respect.
I see this growing debate between atheists and believers, it seems to have gotten pretty nasty. I wonder if all the stress from the economy is making us all a bit tense.
I got some good insight from the guy I was talking with- he was raised in a legalistic, religious kind of way, grew up in a small town. He grew up and moved on, and I think he's associating God with his sheltered upbringing. I get it. I understand why he views believing in God as small-minded and ignorant. The problem is, he's quick to make others who believe feel the same way.
All I'm saying is, I think it's time to start listening just a little bit more.

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Ok I just have to tell you this. It's funny.

The other day at work this guy was telling me about his friend who keeps having dreams about mommies. I replied that that was cute. He said, that's not cute, it's creepy. I said, how is that creepy? It's sweet! He said that was wrong and I had a problem. We went back and forth like this for several minutes until I said, well I guess it could be creepy, depending on what's happening in the dreams, like, are they coming at him and wanting to change his diaper and stuff like that?

He looked at me in dead silence. Then it hit him. He blurted out in his thick accent: "MUMMIES!! I SAID MUMMIES, NOT MOMMIES!!"

I was like, ooohhhh!!!!! and that started me on an uncontrollable laughing spree that lasted for the rest of the day. I was laughing so hard my stomach hurt. He was laughing hard too. But it really got me to thinking.

About a lot of things. About death, and life. About old, and new. Wasn't Lazarus technically a mummy? And don't mommies bring new life?

wait

...I'm thinking, how beautiful! From a mummy to a mommy! It's symbolic of course, but you know what I mean? Do I really have to describe all my thoughts on it this morning or can you just go ahead and pull it all together in your own head? I'm only on my second cup of tea.

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(march 08)

Well of course I'd have a stomachache now. I saw it coming but I did it anyway. I didn't "fold box into platform" when I stuck my dinner in the microwave. The strangest thing ever. I had already ripped open the box and removed the contents, only to discover that you're not supposed to rip THAT box. No, this box is supposed to be folded into a "platform" upon which you place your thing (I still don't know what it was that I just ate) (I didn't buy it). You're supposed to follow this diagram and fold all the edges backwards and make a little table. But I had already torn the box, so I put the dinner back inside and stuck it in for the required 3 minutes. It was cold in some places but I ate it anyway. Now my stomach hurts. It was a WAIT I'll go read the box. Alright. It was a Flatbread Melts Chicken Ranch Club.

Nobody ever told me I'd have to know Oragami in order to eat. Same for those dinners that aim to control your thoughts by giving too many instructions, like the ones that say, "peel back plastic cover over beans, cut slit over entree, remove cover from apples,", but they don't stop there, it goes on to say, "after 2.5 minutes, stop, rotate, remove cover altogether, stir", then return to oven. I don't play that way. No matter what the directions say, like 3 minutes on medium and 4 minutes on high, it doesn't matter. I just look at whatever numbers are there, add them, and that's that. That's how long my dinner stays in, on whatever setting the oven is already on. I do not have an overflowing abundant supply of extra brain cells to dedicate to solving math problems in the kitchen. When I'm hungry, that's it, I need to eat, no time for dillydallying. I will not be ordered around by the Lean Cusine or Healthy Choice people.

What cracks me up is when I hear the phrase "your relationship with food." I didn't know it went that deep. What am I missing? All I know is, it's a burden. To feed something that's dying. Why do we spend so much time trying to keep our bodies going, when it's our souls that are eternal, but the food the soul needs is so elusive and hard to come by? And even when you find it, you still starve yourself? For example, I haven't prayed in about 48 hours. I'm already slipping. Getting hungry. And the Lean Cusine thing only tricks me into thinking I am fed for the day. SEE? Why don't you open your eyes and wake up for crying out loud. You're probably starving at this very minute. You think you want pizza, but what you really need is to pray. This is ridiculous.







I'm very average today. Actually I'm below average. I actually slipped and fell today, which hasn't happened since I was pregnant 17 years ago. It happened due to my slippery bathtub. I've been conditioning my hair alot lately with olive oil and coconut oil to compensate for it's length. I chopped it all off recently and it's ugly, so by making it smooth and supple I feel better.

So I fell into the bathtub when I was getting in, it was extra slippery today, and for a minute I was just stunned, it took me a second to realize what just happened. Then I started laughing. I wonder what the people below me think. They're a normal little family and both parents work, but sometimes one of them is home (cause I can hear them), and I wonder if they wonder why someone is always home up here. I bet they think there's something wrong with me.

About those people, I always know when they're coming home, cause I hear the kid screaming, and the mom has to shout, GET IN HERE!! ...as in, the kid doesn't want to come home? He's only 2 years old! How can a 2 year old not want to come home?

So about me falling today, I was thinking, IS THIS A SIGN????

So I started examining my life on many different layers and levels. I think I'm good for now. Oh! Wait! I just remembered. A tiny black spider was on the computer last night.

I have so much to say. Even though I'm done telling my experiences. See now I'm noticing new things about it all, and new twists and turns. My life is a puzzle, a matrix, a labrynth. I'm lost in a dream.

Speaking of being lost, I think that's why I love to blog so much. It gives me a connection, even if it's to strangers, folks I'll never meet (nor do I want to)... I think I'm much better at this than I am real-life connections. I don't know why. And I also have no idea why people read the stupid things I say more than the important things.