...

(march 08)



This will be my last stop.

No I don't mean THIS post, I mean, as in, this is my last stop. Forever. I know I've said that a million times but I only have so many brain cells and if they get spread too thin it's not a good thing. And my life is on the ever-lovin' verge of change, as we speak. It's teetering, like

...what teeters? Other than a teeter-totter?

The poor kid who never wants to come home is crying right now, I can hear him. I think he's in the bedroom right below me. This poor kid seems to always be crying. I guess a little bit of crying is alright and good for the soul but he's only 2. I want to yell through the floor at the mom to go pick up her baby and hold him. But then she'd shout back, Then stop taking showers at midnight!

So I'm just going to fill this li'l gem on up with all my stuff for the next few weeks I suppose till it just can't take it anymore. I'm gonna own this blog. That's right. Gonna fill it to the brim with my mental bread & butter. My verbal cornucopia. My hypothetical love muffins, lightly browned on top and just a dash of brown sugar.

And then I'm going to turn and walk away, like I always do.

And I will have then accomplished my mission: to record this beautiful and bizarre time of my life. This has been a once in a lifetime experience. I did slip through the cracks, yes, but they were good cracks and the fall has been cushioned and I lack nothing. Even though I own nothing. Well heck. Lookie there. What a perfect ending. Maybe I should just leave it at that?

...

(july 07)

A few years ago, I had a dream.

I saw what appeared to be a wooden cube, I held it in my hand...

It had a black ribbon around it, tied in a bow. I watched, as the ribbon untied itself, and the wooden cube began to unfold itself... it started to reveal different layers and games. First, it turned into a chess board, then it re-arranged itself into a checkers board, then backgammon, Chinese checkers, and so on & so on... I was amazed at all of the different options.

Then, when the cube was finished showing me all of it's various game boards, it re-folded itself back up, nice and neat, back into a small cube. The black ribbon then wrapped back around, and tied itself into a bow.

When I awoke, I sensed in my spirit that I can "play any game I want."

Such is life. The options are endless.

How will I play?

Shall I cheat? Shall I be a good sport? Shall I even participate? Do I seek to win, and do I accept a loss? How do I treat my opponent?

I think that the name of the game, is to simply...

play.

...

today, I remembered a dream I had a long, long time ago. It was in my early twenties, back when I was living in my little "nothing's wrong, nothing has ever been wrong" world. In total denial about everything. I got like that after a traumatic event that broke my mind in half. Really. Well, figuratively speaking, of course. But I was just going along, in happy-perfect-stay-at-home-mom-land, totally forgetting my old life, having nothing to do with who I used to be.

One of the things I kicked to the curb was my music. All of it.

So about this dream. I saw my old room. And there was a poster on the wall. It was nice and pretty. I think it was something like a vase full of flowers or something like that. And then, the dream sort of zoomed-in on this poster....closer and closer it got.....until it focused on one tiny corner, that was just barely peeled back. I looked, and saw that there was another poster underneath! And then- the flower poster was totally peeled back, and guess what was under there?? An AC/DC poster!!! The "Let There Be Rock" tour poster. I was shocked! Totally freaked out!!!

I woke up and knew this dream was really trying to tell me something. That I was covering up my old identity. With lots and lots of false layers.

You see, I never outgrew certain things like normal people. I didn't give myself the chance. I just decided one day at the age of 18 that I wasn't going to have anything to do with my old life. Everything had to go, all my music, crazy clothing, wild hair and jewelry....everything.

But the poster in the dream told me that you cannot push truth away. Maybe you can push it down for a while, but you cannot deny your own reality. The truth about who you really are. No I am not a metalhead anymore (never really was anyway, just liked hanging out with them)...but I'm sure not the prim and proper floral arrangement in the poster on top.

Whatever it is that you have endured or experienced, it is not going to go away. It's still there. You cannot live in denial about things regarding your past, no matter how painful they may be.

You have to deal with it, all of it. Some people don't know what that means. Well, to properly deal with something, all you do is face it, and then ask God to bring it all up to the surface, all of it...old memories, old feelings, all that messy stuff...you have to ask Him to be in charge of it. It's like a delicate surgery. Don't attempt it on yourself.

And He will. He'll bring things up to the conscious level, one at a time, and you can face it and cry if you need to, and ask Him to cleanse the wound. This part can be uncomfortable. But do it anyway.

And then when it's all cleansed and sterilized with HIS BLOOD.......you can experience healing and freedom and then laugh about all of it and be freaking AMAZED at the beauty of it all....

It goes on and on and on......life is so good.....God is so good!

...

It all started on the day I quit drill team.

The day I said I'm through with conformity and social pressure.

Drill team may have been great for others, but for me personally, it turned me into a slave. A dancing robot slave.

One day in a whirlwind gust of determined emotion, I stomped up those stairs in the gym, tears flowing with each step...I strutted right on in to the director's office and announced, "I QUIT!!!" She was like, "Uh...ok, Amy, do you want to talk about this? Do you need to sit down?" No. I didn't want to spend one more second of my life in that prison of gawdy makeup, turquoise tights, and forcing myself into the splits at 6:30 in the morning.

It was on this very day that everything changed. It started the ball rolling in a whole new direction....an honest direction. It was the day I finally decided to be myself. I know I didn't need to be so dramatic about it- maybe I at least could have finished out the semester- but no, when I make up my mind about something, the whole world needs to know.

And this is how I lost the first batch of friends.

I lost more, after becoming pregnant at the age of 20. All of my friends continued to do the usual partying, why shouldn't they? I could no longer tag along...what with my growing bump & all....so there went the second batch of friends.

When I became a Christian at 17, I maintained a low profile about it. I didn't mention it to anyone. Well, except for my boyfriend, who was a Christian already, but for some reason he didn't tell me. When I found out about Jesus, and having a real relationship with Him, and all that that entails, I asked my boyfriend, "So you already knew all of this?" He did. We had been dating for about 2 years! I said, "Why didn't you tell me??" He just shrugged his shoulders and said, "I thought you already knew." No. I didn't know.

In my mid-twenties I finally came out of the closet and let it be known how much God means to me. I had to start talking, because all these incredible things started happening...I had to start telling people! Not to preach...but to simply share. I was amazed.

And this is how I lost more friends.

Then my life took a drastic turn downhill, I went tumbling into all kinds of chaos. I survived, and emerged with a story to tell. I knew in my heart that I had to tell it. My entire life plays out like a strange dream, and telling my story is both therapy for me, and the right thing to do.

More friends, gone. When they discover who I really am.

And now, here I am, at the age of 37. Being forced to take time out. My inner thoughts and memories have been bubbling up to the surface, one by one, and all I can do about it is write. I am at the point where I don't care anymore about social acceptance or how many "friends" I have. I do not mind if someone chooses to distance themself from me, because I make them uncomfortable. My mission here on earth is not to make people comfortable. God gave me a mouth, and I would wither up and die if I were unable to use it.

I have shared my testimony with lots of folks, and I do not regret it one bit. If you are one who has read my words, please know that I did it with nothing but love in my heart. I have to tell others what God has done for me. It blows my mind. He boggles my head, when I think of it all.

I had to get rid of all my copies of my story. Know why? To prevent myself from compulsively sharing it any more. There's a time to share, and a time to move on. The time has come for me to move on from my past, and clear the slate, make room in my head for what's next.

Oh don't get me wrong, I'll never shut up. I'll never stop writing. It's just that it's time to take the focus off my past. It's a relief to be at this point in my life. It's as if, I've climbed my impossible mountain, and now I can see things from a clear perspective...

But life is not about staying on top of the mountain. We are created to dwell down in the valley, where real life takes place, the dirty, messy stuff that life is made of. It's not about living such a pristine existence, or being holy. I am nothing, my thoughts and words and deeds are nothing, my service to God is nothing. It's only because of Christ in me that I am something. What a relief!

So anyway...what did I start off talking about? Oh yeah...how you lose friends as you grow and move through life and change. But it's all good. You need to be true to yourself. Don't worry about it.

Keep going...

Keep growing......

Don't give up, don't give in............


>note: did I already post this one on here somewhere? I forgot. See this is why I don't do long blogs,it all gets mashed up together and I get lost, when the whole point is to get found. Not by you, but by me. I've been on a journey home. But that's way off the point. Speaking of home, I had the best dream ever last night. But I'll spare you... <

Ok I promised myself I wouldn't post any links on this one, but I have to. I'm trying to embed these here, but the only problem is, they auto-play. That won't work. You'd click on a blog and you'd hear 10 different stories of mine, all at once. Maybe more. So here is my ONE link. http://www.eastafricantube.com/profile_media/nakedwords/


well... I might as well post this link here too. Bible reading, anyone? Yes? No? Well when you're housebound with Swine Flu you might enjoy it. http://www.eastafricantube.com/profile_media/HisWords/