...

(march 08)

Why don't you try being me for a day and see how well you get by.

Today I’m not in the mood to make light of the fact that my entire life is nothing but a series of events that rival being hit by a wayward motorboat driven by a flaming drunk lunatic each time I attempt to tread water in the ever-lovin’ Sea of Life.

Today I’m going to tell you what it’s like to exist on this planet as me.

Well, ok, just one aspect of being me. The thing. The thing God has given me. The thing that clues me in on certain things ahead of time. It’s a gift and I do see it as such and I do understand it. But when I mentally compare myself to other humans I get just a tad bit insecure, defensive, and shaky in the proverbial knees.

In order to successfully operate as me, you must be broken. I can only get by with a smile now, because I have been broken by life and by God and probably by you as well.

Before my mental blowout I was really suffering. The gift was intensifying but I had no place to put it in my head, I was stressed and burdened and trying to support my daughter and myself, alone, all the while being shown the depths of heaven and hell in my dreams and visions, some things pertaining to me, some things pertaining to others, some things pertaining to life as we know it and certain events that are looming, unseen events that is.

I don’t make predictions. No. What God shows me every now & then are glimpses into the spiritual state of things. Warnings. Teachings. And even things that comfort and uplift. I’m not one of those folks that goes around saying there will be an earthquake next month. In fact I could care less if there were.

But back to being broken. If people notice that I’m a little bit “off”, or loopy, disjointed, kooky… it’s all part of my Sanity Insurance. God had to allow me to be broken in order to be able to handle what He’s doing with my life. After the brain infection and spending the last year unemployed, recovering, and writing, some major changes have taken place, not only in my body but mentally and emotionally as well.

How can I describe it to you? Basically I am UNABLE to mentally wrap my mind around certain big things He’s shown me. I can’t ponder them too much anymore, all I am able to do is understand and accept, share what I’m supposed to, keep to myself a few things, and keep going, down this odd but beautiful and amazing path, until the day I get to go home.

I guess today I have one thing in particular on my mind, and that’s something heavy He’s shown me, and it has to do with me personally. He was very nice to clue me in. If I told you what it was you would not believe me. Moreover, if you were shown this and it had to do with you, you might not still be sane and smiling. But He’s given me a peace, a deep, deep peace. In fact, come to think of it, back in the mid-90’s a minister said to me that “God will give me a supernatural peace that surpasses all understanding.”

When I first heard that, I thought it was just referring to my ability to get by in life. But no. Now it’s dawning on me what that alluded to. I can’t even tell my family. I’ve only told one soul, and not even directly. I’m just hoping he gets it. I’m not even sure if I really want him to believe me or not. I think I’m secretly wishing he discredits me a little and thinks I’ve gone off the deep end with that one. Actually, if he ever brings it up, my response will be, “maybe it was just a bad dream.”

That won’t be lying.

Well this new blog is nice. It’s simple. I do believe I might stay on this site and play for a little while.

Love! Amy

...



(Thursday, May 22, 2008)

Yesterday afternoon there was a dove sitting on the railing out front. I just opened the front door and there it was, just a few feet away from me, if I leaned forward I could probably touch it, and it just sat there, with it's dark rounded eyes, calm, just looking at me. I would say from the corner of its eye but they were too round to have corners.

So I just stood there looking at it. I even said Oh hello! And it just sat there. I shut the door and then opened it again real fast, nothing. It still just continued to sit there and look at me. Sort of like a movie scene or something. Or a cartoon. The reason I kept opening the door was to see if it would startle and fly away, which it didn't. Which means, I can go ahead and take that as a sign. No! You don't understand! Birds are special. And that dove was a sign for me: PEACE. For me personally. Don't laugh. Don't make me get into everything right here with you on this average Thursday morning. Don't make me turn this Thursday into more than it needs or wants to be.


And I do sense a new peace. About alot of things. I'm understanding something new, too. That this brain deal just might be my very last obstacle to overcome. My very last hurdle. And it's a new form of hurdle: it cannot be overcome and done away with. This is something that I am going to have to live with, for the rest of my life. I cannot control it. I cannot pretend it doesn't exist. I cannot walk away from it. What I've been feeling lately about it is some sadness. I never even felt anything about it until recently. It never even occured to me that this would impact me how it has, cause come to find out, it affects not only me, but every situation in my life. My job, the people in my life, everything. It has an effect on everything, even if it doesn't show.

This is outside of my hands and it's not going away. I've had one or two tears trickle down with the words MY BRAIN written on them. A real surprise. I was like, where did THAT come from? Have I ever cried about something to do with my body? Ever? Even as a little girl I never cried or was scared about my surgeries. I cried about my foot but only when the girls teased me.

I'm going to have to find a way to maintain a peaceful outlook on it all. I'm going to learn to laugh at myself more and more. As if I don't do that enough already. But no, look. Look at what I did last night. I was at work, and wanted a slice of pizza, so I left the store and headed towards the food court. In the wrong direction. In the mall I've been working in for almost 2 months now. I completely forgot which way it was. I went blank. I thought maybe I was going the wrong way, so I stopped and turned around and started going the right way, till I questioned that too, and turned around again. Then I finally asked a security guard which way the food court was. I did finally get a slice of pizza. But what I'm saying is, my brain misfires and I can sometimes go blank. Not stupid. Just memory lapses. There is a difference.

Last night I started to tear up about this but then I remembered the dove. So. I'm going to be at peace. And that's that. Feel free to be at peace too, ok? With whatever you need to be at peace about. How about we all just be at peace. Not try to be peaceful, but BE AT PEACE. There is a difference.

I think that's all I wanted to say this morning. I'm still waking up.


There's alot to process when you have something hit you upside the head. After the brain infection I have really had to deal with lots of changes, on every level. Getting your head messed up is very different from breaking your leg or getting some disease. No. When the trouble is in your head, even if it was just a simple infection, it somehow expands to other areas of your being, mainly cause your head is the central thing. Headquarters.

At first I couldn't process anything at all. All I could do was sit in the dark and try to think. And sleep. Then, six weeks into my Depakote prescription I woke up one day and flushed them all. And that's the day I got on myspace and started talking. Well actually I had a dream the night before but that's another blog.

I've had to change everything, and mentally accept the different ways people treat me and how they view me. I'm not so different than I was before. In fact, on most days, it's like nothing ever happened. But then I have days where my brain just simply won't cooperate. And this snowballs into my emotions. I'm still trying to get a handle on it emotionally. My pride was hit. It's hard to be slow. Not that I'm slow all the time, just sometimes. And there's no warning. My brain is doing it's own thing and it never tells me ahead of time what kind of day it's going to be.

I'm not really sure what I wanted to say to begin with, but all I really want to say is that I'm still me, I'm still just as genius as ever, and my issue is only physical. My spirit hasn't been touched. How can I say it? Basically, it's a non-issue. I'm no less a person and I'm certainly no less a woman. In fact, in many ways, I've actually been STRENGTHENED by this. It's forced open my stubborn mind and caused me to see things in different ways.

Hear me now, people. Hear me.


You know those mutant hairs that either you or someone you know and love has? Or, you might occasionally spring one, but you don't claim it or tell anyone about it? I know you know what I'm talking about: A hair, it seems to come from out of nowhere, it grows in a random spot on your body and gets long and wiry and it does it's own thing. Sometimes you notice it and catch it early, sometimes you don't. This is mainly true for the ones that might grow out of a mole, on your back.

My brother had a mutant hair that would appear on his right shoulder, it was so funny, it was long and blonde and it would be several inches long. He'd leave it, just to be funny. Our old dog Simba had one that grew from between his eyebrows, it arched up and over and we'd have to pluck it or else it dangled in front of his eyes. I have a semi-mutant hair on my left arm, it's blonde but can grow extremely long if I don't pay attention to it and get it. It's just hard to see which one it is cause all the hairs are blonde. I also have a tiny spriggy mutant hair that comes from a mole on my back, it's hard to reach but I finally mastered the art of tweezing from behind.

All this to say, I had a strange dream the other night- I had a 3-ft long mutant hair growing out of my stomach! It was so weird! And get this: the very tip of it was a different material! It was- COPPER!!! Not the very tip, but like half and inch up, it was maybe an inch of copper, then the rest was regular hair. And it made me think of when I used to work at this health food store where a nurse would come in and set up her table and offer hair analysis, she'd take a snip of your hair, take it to the lab and have it checked for mineral/heavy metal content. Which I thought was funny. To have heavy metal content in your hair.

So in the dream, I sensed that out of a very long strand of hair, only a small fraction was copper (the body eliminates heavy metals through your hair, stupid) (in case you didn't know that), and I felt that more of it should have been copper. The copper was of value. It had been inside me, and the hair represented what comes out of me.

And! This ties in with another dream I had about two years ago- serving up plates for people, placing the meat in the center and then heaping mounds and mounds of side dishes and deserts on top, covering the meat. I knew this was showing me my style of sharing, but I never thought twice about it cause I think it's fun. You know. Heap lots of fun on top of and around the important stuff. Know what I'm saying? I don't mean to hide the meat. In fact you'll get to the meat if you keep eating. But- now this- the hair. I think God is telling me that I should probably goof off a whole lot less and try to get to the point more often. You have no idea what I'm saying, do you. Fine. See if I share my dreams with you anymore.

So after the small-copper-fraction-in-the-hair dream, I woke up and decided to say some things that have been stored up in my head and heart for a long time, brewing, simmering, hidden away.

And all I can say is, I feel tremedous relief.

I just don't know what to do about this. Should I only start reporting and sharing meat? Copper meat? If I did, would you read? I highly doubt it. I see myself as one of those middle aged portly smiling women with a hair net behind the glass shield at Luby's, I'm standing there with a big scoop and watching you come through the line, and my job is to scoop up hefty portions of grub to fill your belly and I have total faith that you will eventually come to the meat.


And this is exactly where I'd post a chain link. That is, if I were still dragging my chain around. And there! I'd say, what, you don't know about my chain? And I'd put another link right here. Well now I have to post a link, cause I can't just bring something up and then not follow through or else I'd be a tease. But I promised myself I was free from the chain.

Unless....

I got it. Did I just say chain link? Isn't that what fences are made of? If I continue to post links, I'm erecting a fence. A fence to

TO KEEP ME OUT! See! It can work! I can post a fence to keep me from going back and dragging the chain. It's the responsible thing to do.

Wait. This blog is going too slow to start with all that. I'm enjoying the peace. Wait. Maybe I won't do any more links. When I do, I get carried away and start adding my blog to all kinds of sites and then I get strange people reading, sort of an uncomfortable feeling yet I can't get enough of it. Now I know how nudists feel. They probably hate themselves naked and think, I am never going to show my body in public, and that is the VERY REASON they go and do it. It's all in your head.

Look. I just talked myself out of it. I'm just going to blog here every now & then like a regular person.


my dream two nights ago: I saw my brother, laying down, sound asleep, and I laid down right beside him and put my arm around him and closed my eyes too. It was peaceful and we were together. I could smell him and sense him.



I am the most responsible person on the planet. It's official: my mortal remains now belong to Science and all that that entails. I can't believe what a good thing this is. When you die, all it takes is one phone call and they handle the rest. They even come get you. Then when they're done, they cremate you. No money involved. No retarded funeral service, no wasteful coffin, no nothing. A complete gift to your loved ones. I think everyone should do this. So when I go, that's that. I told my mom she's now my official next of kin. She knows how to do these types of things. You know after experiencing my brother's funeral, I don't want anything to do with them ever again.

We were going to go over to my dad's this evening but he cancelled. Actually he called my brother in law and told him to tell me. My dad won't call me on my phone. Actually my dad won't call me, at all. And whenever I've had my own place, he wouldn't come over. Except for one time when I lived in the white house he came over with my mom when I wasn't home and took a chair. So now I'm sitting here eating cookies and playing with a new dog that my sister just got. She has ticks in her ears but she's really sweet. They got her from a shelter. If you have read all of this blog, you have no life.



Alright. That's it. This is how it's going to be: the new state of affairs with my head is a done deal, set in stone, a non-issue. My new parameters. My new framework. My new head. It's what's for breakfast.

Ok I have some things to report. For starters, I got a new t-shirt at the thrift store today, it's pink and it says EVERYBODY PRETEND TO BE NORMAL. If this is not a beautiful find I don't know what is. Secondly, I met a man last night who is bi-polar really bad, he actually takes lithium, he just moved here from California and he said he deliberately went without his medication so he could drive for three days straight without sleep. This has me a bit concerned. I knew we had to always be on the lookout for drunks but now this. I did find him highly entertaining though, although it seemed that his eyeballs were on the brink of exploding right out of his head when he spoke. It was if he was on the verge of something. I'm always on the verge of something too but not like he was. I would have considered him cute but I have a mental block with non-Texan guys. Especially when they ask ME for directions. He actually asked me how to get to the hill country area. (I had to inform him of it cause he said Texas was flat and not so much to see.) So I told him to just go south, he'll get there. He got all excited at the prospect of it. Poor guy. He better get a grip, and fast, if he wants to survive here. If I can get a grip, anyone can.
I had my certification test today at work and only missed two questions. So now I'm certified. (again.) (they don't know about the other one. I never tell new jobs that kind of thing) So now I am doubly-certified and at your service. Never mind the fact the store might close soon. Heck, I might close soon for that matter.

My new coworker had to work at another location tonight and told me they have cops on sedgeways there and it was funny, when they go fast they lean forward. I envisioned this and thought, would I be intimidated by a cop on a sedgeway? The bikes were one thing, now this? What next? Hovarounds? Wheelchairs?

Crutches?

Wouldn't that be funny? Cops on Crutches? I just think a sedgeway strips them of something they need. They'd be better off walking. Image is important.

Also! I got the official paperwork for donating myself when I die! I can't wait. I laughed when I saw it in the mailbox. I can't believe I'm doing this. I'm not going to tell anyone till after the fact. (blog readers don't count.) I'm signing away everything. All of me. I feel very liberated for some reason. In control. Getting my head wrapped around some things. Lots of things. Deep things, light things, and everything in between. You should consider donating yourself as well. But you can start by donating everything in your house that you haven't used in a year. We all need to keep getting rid of things. I am so tired of looking like the crazy one here. I'm sick of it. I'm right, and I've been right all along.

Also! Good news. You can rest assured, I am here for you. I changed my mind about not blogging anymore. However I will not be dragging my chain around anymore. I have no idea where I'm going from here. Probably not very far. Also. Guess what. I am staying here. Forever. You can stick a fork in me cause I am done. No I'm still gonna run but I decided to run in place. A profound compromise. Do you ever compromise with yourself? I have got to start doing it more often. If I don't,

wait

I just totally lost that whole idea. It was going to be funny, trust me. But nevermind.